just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
