to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
