i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
