My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
