I just pynch a tree in the face
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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