Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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