having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
