oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
