having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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