I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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