can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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