sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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