never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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