I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
