Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
