Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
