EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
