got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
