either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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