I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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