Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
