I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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