why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Randomize
