dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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