im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
