I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
