Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
