It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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