you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
