Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
