cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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