a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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