I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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