Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
50% drunk capacity currently
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
