Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
