Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
