What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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