even my farts smell like vagina
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
