i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
