There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
