Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
