U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
We smell like vodka and hangover
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