First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
