so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
