Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
