My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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