I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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