The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
