unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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