Redeem this text for a blowjob
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
