I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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