Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
