Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
