just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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