I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
3 2 1 whiskey
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
